Messing Up

Don't ever let someone try to tell you otherwise- learning a foreign language is HARD. I've been here about two months now and you would think that at this point I would have everything down, no problems. Unfortunately to say, I do not. Far from it.

No matter how much I learn, I still feel like I speak like a five year old when I'm talking to someone. I still get confused by words I don't know. At times, I still have to think about what I'm saying before I say it. Don't get me wrong, I have improved my Spanish ten fold since being here, and I am much more confident and quick in my Spanish than before, but it's definitely no cake walk.

Sometimes I get utterly frustrated with Spanish. If I don't practice my Spanish all the time, there is no way to get better. On the other hand, when I do practice it often, I get frustrated when I feel like I can't properly express myself to someone. It's a bit of a vicious cycle. In the end, no matter how frustrating it can be, I know that the only way to improve is if I speak it as often as possible.

So I do. With my American friends, we have "Spanish only" conversations where we can't speak any English to each other. I make plans with my Spanish friends as often as possible. I ask questions about the news when I watch it with my host parents. I talk to people on the streets and ask questions when I have them. I do my best to put myself in tough situations because in the end, it doesn't matter. Even if I make a fool of myself, I will probably never see that person again. And even if I do, whatever, they know I'm learning.

But it's taken me a while to get to this point. It's hard to be okay with looking like a fool to someone. And there are times when I get down on myself. There are times when I doubt my abilities. And there are times when I never want to speak Spanish again. But I've learned that no matter how hard I try, bad things will happen. Mistakes will occur. Things won't go exactly as planned. I will get lost walking somewhere. I will say or do the wrong thing in a situation. It's not about preventing these things from happening, it's about how I react to what has happened. Will I give up? Or will I accept that I can't know everything and try to learn something from the experience? It's impossible to have control over everything when you are living in a foreign place; it's impossible to have all the answers. I can only hope that I will have the courage to continue not knowing the answers and accepting that this is the only way I can learn.

My program center has these really funny and clever posters hung all over the building. All of them have something to do with speaking in Spanish. While we're in the center, we are expected to be speaking Spanish at all times. Of course, this doesn't end up happening. People revert to English once they get out of class all the time. I admit that I'm guilty of it. But the other day I noticed a poster that I would have to say is my favorite one in the whole center. It's located in the computer lab where I print papers daily and yet I hadn't noticed it until recently: 

It says, "Have you come here to spend the whole day speaking in English?" This poster says it all. Have I come all this way to speak in English? Of course not. So even though it's incredibly hard and even though I find a way to say or do something stupid daily, that's the whole point of being here. To mess up. I am consistently placed in uncomfortable situations, but I now feel like I have the power to get through them. I used to be much more hesitant to put myself in difficult situations but being here has given me a confidence I didn't have before. Don't be afraid. And know that it will all work out in the end.

Until next time, hasta luego!